Feeling Right: The Life That's Right For You

"Feeling right is about living the life that's right for you."
-Gretchen Rubin

I never understood where I was going until I found myself deep into where I knew I did not want to be. At that point I understood that this, whatever and wherever it may be, was not right for me. It was an itch deep in my chest I couldn’t scratch. I found myself rolling as tumbleweed through barren land, and that land was an aspect of my life. It is the feeling that you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing, or going in a path that is unnatural.

There is no doubt in my mind that living the right life for you is the centerpiece of your emotional table. Living right is living the life of your childhood dreams, or some variation of that dream. What is right for you is not what you see around you, it is everything you have ever wanted to create and every activity that brings you joy. If you are creative why spend the majority of your week suppressing that creativity? If you love math why spend your days in a career that does not incorporate that passion? The right life is the life that has balance. It incorporates your passions, your curiosity, and your potential. Feeling right has more to do with duty, a duty to be true to you.

I have always loved art. Art is a broad word, but what is important is that I have always been interested in participating in the creation of something. For a long time before I could even pick up a book on art, or write, or paint, or even think creatively I would be discouraged by my own mind. I would hear the words of my parents “you are the smart one, get good grades, leave the painting for your siblings”. I would enforce upon myself a title “smart”. The problem with titles is that they limit, they hurt, and titles put you in a pebble. Many people have this same experience.

Feeling right for me is not giving myself a title. Feeling right for me is creating, nourishing, and supporting the positive. I concentrated on a certain subject in college for the sake of keeping that title. And although I was interested in what I studied I wasn’t passionate. If I cant incorporate passion I rather not build my life around a career out of balance with my natural self.

I have to shed every single imprint of a life that encouraged me to suppress my interest for what others valued. I phrase it as “have to” because it is a never-ending transformation. It is a metamorphosis. I want to become a butterfly, and the moth cocoon the world enforced on me cannot contain the wings I imagine for myself.

Aristotle wrote extensively on the subject of happiness. He explained that happiness is not a great dinner, or a fun time, or even those summer trips to the shore. Happiness is fulfilling your duty to yourself, and striving towards your goal. Aristotle explained that as you live the right life for you, you automatically bloom into the best version of yourself. Your best self is happy.  The world needs the best version of you.

You Are What You Learn

"You are what you learn. If all you know is how to be a gang member, that's what you'll be, at least until you learn something else. If you go to law school, you'll see the world as a competition. If you study engineering, you'll start to see the world as a complicated machine that needs tweaking. A person changes at a fundamental level as he or she merges with a particular field of knowledge. If you don’t like who you are, you have the option of learning until you become someone else. There's almost nothing you can't learn your way out of. Life is like a jail with an unlocked, heavy door. You're free the minute you realize the door will open if you simply lean into it."
 - Scott Adams in Dilbert.com  

Learning something new is often a challenging ordeal filled with ups and downs. It's a scary place at first as we try to find comfort in our training wheels. It's exciting when we figure out we have the hang of it, and then feel proud once we master our chosen field. But what truly happens as we learn is the unlearning, the letting go of the past in order to grasp the future. In the unconscious space between the handle bars is where we truly develop and become someone new. I have learned my way out of irresponsibility, negative habits, and just about everything I have ever read in Cosmo as a teenage girl. Leaning in, as Scott Adams describes, to new information always exposes the old information to judgments. We are constantly evolving and reinventing ourselves by what we choose to learn, and as a result unlearn.  

 Henry David Thoreau once said that it is only when we forget all our learning that we begin to grow.  I hope we all learn, unlearn, and in that process get to truly know ourselves.

THERE IS BEAUTY AND GRACE IN EVERY LOSS!

I got an email from a Reader recently and she told me that the Love of her life had passed away recently and she wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to meet someone as amazing as him again. And after reading this email, I got to thinking about death and loss in general. So today’s blog, we’re going to talk about relationships, letting them go and staying open to Love after you’ve lost someone. And then at the end I’m going to post an amazing Letter from Baba Ram Dass about death that moves me to tears every time I read it.

I believe that we have many different soul mates in each lifetime. And a soul mate doesn’t have to be just a lover. Friends, family, pets – all these can be soul mates. And specifically when it comes to romance, I also believe we have many different soul mates and each person’s path is utterly unique. I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been born to learn, create and give to this world – that is between you and The Uni-verse. What I can say with 100% certainty is that the energy of Love never changes, though many times the face of Love does.

When we get hurt, it doesn’t matter what the hurt is or where it comes from; it’s natural to want to close off to shut down and to think that there is no way that the future could be better than the past. And if we don’t have a vision for a compelling future, then we start to slowly die. If you’ve lost someone that you love, just because you can’t see the horizon right now, doesn’t mean there isn’t a magical moment that is there for you, beginning with right now.

The story that we don’t think there will ever be anyone better is a very convenient story I see many people use as an excuse to shut down and not risk loving and, most importantly, hurting again. But we have to be open to let Love in, which means we also let in the pain. They go together. Being open to Love means we risk being open to pain. But the seeker on the Path doesn’t shut down knowing this – no, they open up and become even stronger! We are being called not to give up on Love, but give in to Love and become stronger by doing so.

If you’ve lost someone close to you, where is the gift in his or her death? What is he/she teaching you even now? And what new story would you like to tell to be open to love again? This is our Path and it’s beautiful, even with the pain. The pain helps us grow and it pushes us towards letting go and seeing even this moment as perfect. Below the anger, the sadness and the hurt – there is a quivering silent knowing that all is as it should be.

I have lost people close to me and  I've had friends abandon me . But those moments do not define me. What defines me is what I do about those moments and choose to live my life in a way that honors those that have moved on. Know that rejection is redirection and see failures as the ultimate learning experiences. A moment of tragedy can happen and does happen to us, but the real tragedy isn't what happened – the real tragedy is getting stuck in what happened and choosing to give up on life. Life, my friends, is for the living – we are here to shine, to give our gifts and to be the presence of Love on the planet.

No pain is greater than the Love that is within us – and when we tap into that, we will forever be connected to those that mean the most to us, whether they are with us or not.

I am going to leave you with an amazing letter from Baba Ram Dass, please feel free to change out the name as it applies to you.

As always, the action happens in the comments below, leave a comment and join the conversation! It’s a GREAT place to get support!

Love,

Farheen Shaikh

Baba Ram Dass Letter

Your father finished his work on earth and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our heart as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so unexpectedly. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teachings as you are receiving? Probably very few, and even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation. I can’t assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is your Father’s legacy to you, not that he or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion, for something in you dies when you bear the unbearable. It is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.

Now is the time to let your grief find expression, no falses friend. Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to your father and thank him for being with you for these years and encourage him to go on with whatever his work is. Knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience. In my heart I know that you and he will meet again and again and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other, and when you meet you will know in a flash what now it is not given to you to know: why this had to be the way it was.

Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts if we keep them open to God will find their own intuitive way. Your father came to do his work on earth, which includes his manner of death. Now his soul is free and the love that you can share with him is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space, in that deep love, include me.

In love,

Ram Dass

You can Make a Decision in Five Days!

Sometimes making decisions can be challenging. Whether it is a big decision, like making a long term commitment or the simple choices everyday of what to do, eat and wear it can take some thought. Some people are more inclined to make decisions easily or choose the easiest and path of less resistance. Sometimes these people are methodical and routine oriented which helps in their decision making process.

Or there are the other people, like me. I have never been an overly structured person or one to be into the same routine, day after day. When I have made decisions quickly it was based out of fear, frustration or impatience! Those choices did not always work out so well for me. These days I have learned to be more aware about the choices I am making, I ask myself how this choice would be for my highest good and what are the potential outcomes. Including how it may affect those closets to me.

Yet, even with my healthier and more mature approach to decision making, I still struggle with some of the bigger decisions. The commitments, the things that are not easily undone. I realize that every time I am not making a decision, I am actually making a decision. Time passes, sometimes opportunities or options dissolve, sometimes my heart changes and so on. Life continues to happen as we are indecisive. I wonder, looking back how much time I have lost not making a decision and taking action about certain things?

I understand that sometimes it is best to wait on decision making. Especially when you have suffered a traumatic event or big change; divorce, death of a loved one, career change etc. And sometimes you need time to just ‘be’ and let life happen for now. But for myself, I have used that excuse a bit too often. Having an important decision before me, one I have agonized over for some time, I have concluded I need to set a time frame to make a final decision. Five days. If you struggle with decision making, I hope you will benefit from my five day plan!

“A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there’s no action, you haven’t truly decided.”

– Farheen Shaikh